Breath Once, Breath Again
by gjmb18
Summary: Life has been perfect, at least on the outside. Oh Ha Ni feels strange and different, her mind has drifted, and Seung Jo is noticing. He still won't do anything though. Perhaps there is still not enough happening to scare him into finally doing something. Death could come knocking before he even realizes what's wrong...
1. Time Feels Slow

The house was quiet, but for the silent sounds of slow pulsing breath. It was barely the early hours of the morning and not one person was up in the Baek-Oh household. It had been a little over a year since their wedding had taken place and yet Ha Ni still dreamt of hearing the words that rarely escaped the lips of her beloved Seung Jo. She smiled softly in her dream world feeling lighter and freer than any of the days her reality had shown her recently. Beside her Seung Jo slept soundly. That night, though he would never utter it out loud consciously, he dreamt of his wife, Baek Ha Ni. Her eyes glittered and glimmered in the hazy sunlight of his dream, her smile making her even more luminescent than he ever thought possible. One dreamed of a reality they knew nothing of, while the other dreamt of something they would never reveal. Each stayed safely in that world for the last glimpses of night.

The sunrise woke Seung Jo from his sleep, and he grumbled mumbling something like, 'My idiot wife forgot to close the curtains last night.' Rubbing his face, he slowly got up stretching his limbs as he went. Each joint popped and he sighed sliding his feet into a pair of slippers just beside the bed. Behind him lay a puffy pink, marshmallow-like form. He chuckled under his breath, smiling ever so slightly before turning to grab his towel. Since he was up already he might as well take a shower before the others run him out. He had to be at the hospital early to make some of his rounds there. This whole week he had managed to get all of the early shifts at the hospital, while Ha Ni had gotten the much later shifts, meaning they barely got to see one another. Seung Jo turned the water on, listening to the hissing streams batter the base of the shower. He stripped his clothes and ducked under the, now, warm water.

'It would be at least another hour before someone else gets up, so I'll enjoy the silence while I can, I guess.' Seung Jo thought. He ran his fingers through his hair, recalling the slight fragments of his dream of Ha Ni. Her soft eyes made his heart beat right out of his chest, the sheer power of one look made him feel as though he would never be able to breath again. It was amazing, and yet he still kept quiet, only revealing his true feelings when they were both in the most intimate and loving of situations. Seung Jo sighed, he loved all things that Ha Ni was, but he also could get frustrated and fed up with her sometimes. Why did she have to be so idiotic at times?

The alarm went off in the large bedroom, and Ha Ni gave a start, sitting upright slightly, then flopping back groaning at the hour. The alarm still wailed next to her ear, so she leaned over to her bedside table, smacking it over the head once to silence it. Ha Ni curled on her side, thinking back over the dream she had been rudely awakened from, sighing contentedly. She turned trying to find her warm husband still laying next to her, only to discover that his side of the bed lay vacant. She sat up quickly surveying the room at a glance, and to her disappointment found no sign of Seung Jo. Ha Ni huffed, falling back into her pillows, all this effort to wake up alongside him, and he still managed to be gone from her grasp in no time. After a moment of silence, she realized there was a soft pattering just next door where the bathroom stood,

'He must already be in the shower.' She thought, frowning a little deeper. She listened intently to the sound of the water pour down on what could only be Seung Jo, smiling softly at the thought of him being so close to her, and yet still so far away. Things were still not where she wanted it, Ha Ni's dreams were all muddled, and filled with thoughts and images of Seung Jo telling her he loved her at every moment, no matter where they were. But she knew instantly that was a dream. The real Seung Jo would never do such a thing. He was too practical. Though maybe she was just being foolish, but wasn't being loving toward your wife a very practical thing to do? Perhaps not according to Seung Jo. Ha Ni's mind cleared again as she heard the water silence, and a door open. The next thing she saw made her chest ache. Seung Jo walked in, his hair wet against his face framing the beautiful dark amber jewels of his eyes. Even though he looked so handsome in that moment, it was soon ruined by the cross tone of his voice. "Ya! Ha Ni-ah, I told you to close the curtains last night, you know the sun blinds me in the morning." His brow creased in the most elegant way that Ha Ni almost forgot he was yelling at her.

"I'm sorry, I got home so much later than I thought I would and I was too tired to do it. Seung Jo, I'm sorry."

"You silly woman, what am I going to do with you?" Seung Jo climbed onto the bed, teasing her. Ha Ni pouted, her face saddening, "What's wrong?"

"I'm just sorry, I keep forgetting little things and it only makes you angry at me." She said looking to the side, so that her hair swept over the side of her face, then mumbled, "If only my dream could come true." She sighed.

"What was that?" Seung Jo, smoothed her hair behind her ear, finding the round cheek a little redder than before. "Ha Ni, tell me what you just said."

"It was nothing, really." Her eyes darted back to his, the sad look still there.

"Why are you up so early?"

"I wanted to see you off, I hate waking up with out you beside me, so I thought I would try to wake up early this morning, just to say good morning."

"Silly girl, well good morning my wife." Seung Jo, brushed his fingers across her cheek and nestled them just beneath her ear, as he gazed down at her.

"Good Morning, my husband." Ha Ni could feel her heart beat pulsating faster and faster, she felt her ears ringing, and then the warm quick touch of Seung Jo's lips against her own. She would never get used to his mood swings, and yet she loved the spontaneous way in which he would envelop her all at once in the very warmth and love she had dreamt of.

"Say it to me." She whispered against his mouth, so quietly Seung Jo almost missed hearing it. His hand still on her cheek, he rubbed circles into her cheek as her eyes slowly opened. There was longing, but for what, he didn't know.

"Say what?" Suddenly a deep red engrossed Ha Ni, and she pulled away, plunging back beneath the covers in some attempt at hiding from him. Seung Jo tossed his towel over a chair, and wrapped his arms around the puff of pink that was his wife. She yelped slightly, before going quiet again.

"Fine if you won't tell me, I'll have to get it out of you." His fingers pulled at the edge of the duvet and pulled back to reveal Ha Ni curled underneath, her small frame, so dainty, he was almost afraid to touch her. Almost being the most important word, Seung Jo launched an onslaught of tickles and kisses, until Ha Ni gasped out "Ok, Ok! Stop, please! I'll tell you." Seung Jo sat back on his side of the bed, staring at his wife as she regained her breath, her chest, so small and perfect to him rising and falling quickly.

"Fine, you win. I said 'say it to me.'" Seung Jo looked confusedly at her, what was that supposed to mean?

"What do you want me to say?" Confusion written on his face. A flit of sadness crossed Ha Ni's face.

"Its not that I just want you to say it, I want you to want to say it."

"Stop being so confusing, Ha Ni! Just tell me what you want me to say!"

"If you don't know already, there is no point in telling you." Ha Ni huffed angrily in Seung Jo's direction, before pulling the duvet out of his grasp and over her own small frame. She then began to feign sleep, and there was nothing that Seung Jo could do until she was ready to understand, or that he had figured out what she meant. Either would take forever. So instead of dwelling on it, Seung Jo dressed for work, then as he was leaving, he glanced back at Ha Ni once before escaping the strangely bitter environment.

Outside the summer air had become a little warmer, causing small pearls of sweat to gather at the base of Seung Jo's head. The doors slid open, whisking the cool sanitized air out and around Seung Jo. He was still a little miffed from the confusing argument he had been having earlier this morning. He was still confused about what had even brought it on, along with what Ha Ni was even wanting from him. Most times Ha Ni was the one to give in because of her own confusion or despair. But this was something very out of the ordinary. Seung Jo was losing his touch perhaps, though Ha Ni had been behaving strangely the last few months. Seung Jo muddle back and forth in his head as he walked through the lobby, barely even acknowledging the few other doctors around him.

"Good Morning, Dr. Baek." The sweet chime of voices came from the nurses station, but he waved carelessly back at them, unconcerned about them. He would normally only look there if he required a nurse's help, or if Ha Ni were in the hospital, and neither were the case at the moment. He swiftly walked to the locker-room, quickly putting his bag into his locker, and pulling on his lab coat. He grabbed his stethoscope and ID badge, clipping and placing them where they belonged. He left the locker room in search of his day's assignments. Confusion continued to swirl around his thoughts, keeping some portion of his attention preoccupied. That was the most unlike him of all. But his stoic behavior on the outside never even led anyone to suspicion. When he reached the nurse's station, he gathered up a small section of his patients' folders, his head still in the clouds as he turned down the next corridor. His preoccupation was really a long time coming, Seung Jo cursed himself for not noticing the odd things HaNi had been doing for the last few months. They had only been married a little over a year, and she was now just unhappy or just odd.

'What could I have done? No, it could never be me! But what would make my Ha Ni act so strangely?' Seung Jo thought as he reached his first patient of his rounds.

Back home, Ha Ni was awakening again. Her head felt heavy with sleep, but the ache inside her chest was still there. Yes, Seung Jo had been rather playful and loving this morning, but the want and need for him to show it more still lingered. She wished that for someone so smart, it still surprised her that he had yet to figure out that he was neglecting his own wife. What a stupid man he was! Couldn't even see what was right in front of him. Ha Ni sighed for the umpteenth time, grabbing her towel and heading to the bathroom for a quick shower. A few minutes later, she rushed back into the room, worried that she would be late only to discover that she had plenty of time, at least by her standards. Her mind drifted once again, back to the sickening darkness that seemed to linger over her constantly day after day. The farther Seung Jo seemed to get from her, the farther she drifted from the world around her. She no longer dealt with the world as a place, everything felt phony, and unrealistic. She was just a piece to be pushed and pulled along, with nothing but the thought of what she was meant to look like. Nothing felt as real any more, and the small glimpses of herself that she had known were coming less and less, only spurred on by the glimmer of hope she wanted. Ha Ni pulled a light blue pair of scrubs over her head, gathering up her bags before going down for a quick breakfast and a hurried pace toward the hospital.

Omma bustled about the kitchen, busily humming to herself as a pot steamed beside her on the stove, she scrubbed a few dishes that Seung Jo must have left in the sink from earlier that morning. Eun Jo and Appa sat at the table, Ha Ni's Appa was missing, probably at the restaurant already. Ha Ni, moved quietly down the steps and went to sit at the table. Eun Jo smirked, and rolled his eyes, her pitiable look was much more visible than normal and he could only laugh inwardly without being scolded by Omma. Appa was hidden behind a large sheet of paper, his portly fingers grasping the edges of the page. He didn't seem to notice Ha Ni had come to the table, but soon realized as Omma's mild humming became a loud excited chatter. Omma brought a bowl of porridge to the table placing the white cream-like mush before Ha Ni, uttering a loud "Good Morning Ha Ni-ah! Appa! Put the paper down and greet your daughter!" Appa quickly folded the paper down and shoved it next to his own bowl smiling his pudgy-faced smile in Ha Ni's direction. Ha Ni dipped her head slightly, adding a soft smile to it, a façade that felt a little less real the longer she held it. Yet neither Omma or Appa noticed the change. Ha Ni took a small spoonful of the porridge, and put it in her mouth, the ache of not wanting to eat so clear in her mind, but she knew that would be more noticeable than her eating little by little, and pretending to be in a rush. Pretending saved everyone else from having to hurt, and the last thing Ha Ni ever wanted was to hurt someone else.

Ha Ni ate a few more spoonful's of porridge before standing and quickly getting her things, throwing the words, "Sorry, I'm going to be late! See you tonight!" back towards the table. Omma looked startled, but accepted the goodbye all the same, before hurrying about her household duties of keeping her house clean. Not too shortly after, both Eun Jo and Appa left on their respective ways leaving Omma to her quiet and scheming. She had been noticing that Ha Ni had been behaving strangely recently, not always eating enough of her meals, nor seeming that much like her usually chipper and bright self. Something had been putting her off, and Omma was determined to know what.

Seung Jo stared at a chart for one of his patients that had come into the hospital about a week ago complaining about having some stomach pains. It had taken many days to start with to come up with the right diagnosis, but of course no one but Seung Jo had thought about it. He had spent late nights and early mornings pouring over book after book to figure out what the cause could be for the stomach pain. This was the first time that he had really worked so hard to figure anything out. He had barely been home in the past several days, and relished when Ha Ni would wake early in the morning to just be there with him. So after such a horrible relentless week, he felt a weight being to lift from his shoulders to find that the medicines he had prescribed just the night before were making a miraculous improvement on the patient and that they would be able to go home in the next few days. He smiled and headed toward room 302 where the patient had been placed to tell her the good news. As he passed the main hallway he glanced over toward the entrance just as a very flustered, pale looking Ha Ni rapidly walked in and headed toward the locker room with her shoulder bag clutched between her clenching white knuckles. Seung Jo thought that her overall appearance seemed off, but he was far too busy to be fussing over his wife at a time when he was meant to be helping his patients. If Ha Ni couldn't take of herself, he sure wasn't going to. He continued down the hall at a leisurely pace, and walked into room 302 finding his female patient awaiting him.

"Oh, hello Dr. Baek!" A small pink blush forming along her cheekbones, and of course Seung Jo didn't even notice.

"Ms. Park, I have some wonderful news for you..."

"You left your wife!" The woman asked excitedly.

"What? This has nothing to do with my wife." The woman's eyes turned down in a saddened manner, a small pout forming on her lips. "What I came in her to say was that you are improving remarkably well since we started the new treatment, and I think that you should be all better within the next few days, so at least by the end of the week you should be able to return home." Seung Jo waited a moment, before bowing and turning to exit the room. As he reached the doorframe, a wail of pain echoed around the room behind him. Seung Jo spun around, only to find that his young patient had curled over with her hands covering her face. A sort of panic set in, but his professional side kept him calm as he walked back to the bedside.

"Ms. Park, what's wrong? Are you feeling ill again?" He looked over at the monitors.

"Yes! Of course I feel ill, and of course something it wrong. I will no longer see my beloved Dr. Baek every day, and I feel absolutely sick from the thought of not seeing you again, or that you will have to return to that ugly stupid pig of a wife." A slow burn of irritation rose in his chest at the last comment. It was typical that most of his female patients would behave in this manner and many of them would insult Ha Ni as an attempt to get him to leave her, but that was never going to happen. And yet, he had never had this feeling before when those words came out of this woman's mouth. He wanted to scream at her, but instead he said "I see, well I must be seeing to my other patients, please relax and get well, Ms. Park." Another gasping sob came from the woman as Seung Jo left the room. He closed the door softly behind him, and then glanced around him down the corridor. There was no one in sight, so for a moment he was able to clench his fists and grit his teeth, in some attempt to disperse the angry energy he had toward this woman. He had to remain as confident as ever.

On the other side of the hospital Ha Ni was sitting at the nurses' station waiting for her next call before she started her check-ins with her assigned patients. Her stomach lurched again for the hundredth time that morning, and Ha Ni had to push it back again into her throat, the burning feeling just at the base of her throat. Something was definitely wrong with her at this point. She had been sick for weeks, but not just that, a few weeks before she had been feeling rather down and out of sorts. Nothing felt right any more, even seeing Seung Jo made her feel sick and sad. Even though he was her's forever, or so it said in their vows, he was so cold and so indifferent with her that the distance felt more like it was pushing her further away rather than closer to him. But Seung Jo didn't seem to be noticing there was a problem. So Ha Ni wouldn't make a problem, she wouldn't be troublesome for Seung Jo. That was her promise to him when she first fell in love with him. She would just have to keep pushing through, and pushing herself to do more, be more and feel more. But that was getting harder and harder each day. Everything felt so fake. Ha Ni glanced up at the clock noticing that it was time for her to start her rounds with the patients, and began to gather her various files, and materials before heading to her first room with the elderly gentleman Mr. Sung. He was one of her favorites, he always had a kind word to say, and made her feel so great to be around him. He was the man who always told her to hold her head high and keep trying even if she messes up sometimes. He was one of those patients who was terminally ill, but had no family that could take care of him, so he lived in the hospital all the time, and got the care he needed. But he was dying. Ha Ni stood outside the door staring at the handle for a moment, before she got up the courage to enter in, her fake smile held in place.

"What's wrong, Nurse Baek?"

"What do you mean? Nothing, I'm just glad to see my favorite patient." Ha Ni checked his vitals on the machines first, before setting down her pile of files and pulling Mr. Sung's out of it. She then began the usual checks, his lungs, his heart, his blood pressure, his EKG, his IVs, and his pillows. He was an old man and was dying soon she could feel him slipping further away each day, and it got harder and harder to walk in that door.

"Tell me, my child, what's on your mind?" Ha Ni felt uncertain of what he wanted her to say, but she said a small amount that was hiding in there.

"I'm just feeling off today, a little nauseous for some reason. " She smiled at him and held her stomach ever so slightly,

"Alright, I won't ask anymore, but let us hope its not so much butterflies as a little bird."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"I'm not that sure myself, but you'll understand later." Ha Ni clutched her scrubs right above her stomach, before gathering up her files and turning to leave.

"May you be blessed my dear."

"Huh? Oh, uh, thank you. See you later on Mr. Sung." The old man closed his eyes, and Ha Ni smiled softly and closed the door behind her. She turned down the hall way, a growing phantom feeling was on her stomach like someone was caressing it, but there was no one around. So Ha Ni shuffled the files in her arms and continued on to the next room on her list.

She walked down the hallway, smiling happily at the few patients or doctors that passed her on the way. Ha Ni looked up the hall, and saw the room number of her next check up just in the distance. Her arms began to ache from the heavy load of file folders in her arms, but she kept going. The slow tingling burn making her push her self even harder to do her job. She reached the door handle, pushing into the room. A small child sat on a bed, her legs tucked beneath the neatly folded covers.

"Hello, Hye-ah! How are we this morning?" The child continued to stare out the window, her eyes glued to the skyline.

"What's wrong? Are you not feeling well?" There was still no response from the little girl. Ha Ni inched closer, her heart began beating a little faster, but her curiosity won out, and she persisted in her questioning. "Hye-ah, for me to help I need to know what's wrong. Are you feeling sick?" A sudden sniffle erupted from the small body, and Ha Ni rushed around to face the girl finding her face bright red with tear streaks running down her face. "What happened?" Ha Ni sat beside the young girl her arms still cradling the file folders. The girl mumbled something. "What?"

"I said you promised that I would go home soon, and now the doctor is saying I have to stay longer!" Ha Ni softened her gaze at the child, and went to wrap her arms around the small shaking shoulders.

"I'm sorry, you can never be sure when you are able to go home, but just because the soon that you expected was different doesn't mean you give up. You need to keep fighting and get better so you can leave soon."

"You're a liar!" The little girl shoved at Ha Ni, causing her to drop the files to the floor scattering them beneath the bed and all over the floor.

"YAH! Why would you do that!" Ha Ni yelled, her patience had run out with this little girl, it wasn't her fault so why did this have to happen to her of all days. The little girl sat wide-eyed, fresh tears gathering into her eyes. Ha Ni felt guilty, suddenly realizing how harsh she had really been with the little girl.

"I'm sorry." The little girl said meekly. Ha Ni huffed and patted her head, before getting up to crawl on the floor in search of all the files, and placing them back in order.

"Its alright. Don't cry. I'm sorry for yelling, I was wrong." The little girl sniffled again, and lay back against the pillows, expression one of defeat. Ha Ni still felt terrible at her outburst, it wasn't like her to get to frustrated especially with a young child like her. Ha Ni settled her files back into her arms, and waited till little Hye Si was calmer.

The door was clicked closed behind her, and for a moment her head spun, and the morning nausea had returned. Something was definitely wrong, but she didn't want to jump to any conclusions. She didn't want to think that anything could be really wrong, and if she thought she was pregnant, Seung Jo would probably mock her for being an idiot again. Ha Ni pressed her head against the wall, trying to cool her sweaty forehead, but nothing seemed to make the dizziness go away. So she set her shoulders and mentally cheered herself on, she had to keep going, this wasn't just for Seung Jo anymore, she loved being a nurse and it was important that she behave like a nurse.

Later on that day Seung Jo had finished most of his rounds and had already been through a few emergencies down in the ER, so he was currently relaxing with his lunch. He may have been tired but that didn't stop him from watching for Ha Ni. And yet minute after minute passed and there was no sign of her. It was strange to him, but there were only two things he could think of, she had some emergency herself and was unable to get away or that something was wrong with her. Seung Jo couldn't help the strong twist of his stomach as he waited for his perky love to come bounding through the door to him. And yet she never showed, his lunch was over and there was nothing that he could do. He had no time left to wait. The worst of it all was that his stomach kept twisting in knots from worry. Where could she be.

Ha Ni sat in one of the many sterile waiting rooms of the hospital. She had managed to get a quick check up at lunch with one of the doctors, and was currently waiting outside the door in the lobby. She nervously picked at a hang-nail, waiting just meant that she wouldn't know what was happening for so much longer. There was nothing she could do, and so she waited. Everything around her made her jump now, she just waited and waited for the sound of her name and the anticipation of what it could be. She was probably just sick with a cold or something, but the feeling deep down, the very possibility that she could be pregnant made ripples of excitement roll through her. She wanted a baby more than anything, she wanted to share that life with Seung Jo, and she wanted to have another little Seung Jo to watch run and play around on little feet. She wanted to feel something again, and hoped that having a baby could bring her the happiness she felt she was missing. But she wouldn't put too much hope in that, she was much more afraid that the doctor would say she wasn't or that it was just a cold. That was more frightening than any other prospect, and could mean that her fragile happiness could break even more.

"Baek Ha Ni?" Her name was called and one of the nurses, she knew well, ushered her into one of the exam rooms. She waited, ignoring the hangnail, and instead fiddling with her hands. The door opened and in stepped a young doctor, close to her age. She automatically realized that it must be one of the doctors in Seung Jo's year. She didn't want Seung Jo to know about this yet, but things were going to get around about her having a check up especially knowing that some of the nurses saw her. They tended to gossip a lot, so she sighed and gave into the thought that Seung Jo would know in no time. The doctor at this point had yet to look at her. His head still bowed into the file in his grip. He kept mumbling, "Baek, Baek. I know that name." Then he suddenly looked up and clapped the folder together quickly.

"Are you by any chance Dr. Baek's wife?" Ha Ni nodded shyly, it was quite clear from this that Seung Jo never mentioned to anyone that she was his wife, so news was going to get around really fast. "I see, well very nice to meet you. Your husband is a remarkable man, and a very interesting classmate to have around."

"Thank you for your kind compliments."

"Yes, well what can I do for you today?"

"Well, you see, I...I haven't been feeling all that well for the last few days."

"Oh? How so?"

"Well, I've been really nauseous, and dizzy, and kind of clammy."

"And how do you feel now?"

"I'm alright, but just before lunch I had a bout of dizziness in the hall during my rounds."

"I see. Do you mind if I do a quick exam?" Ha Ni shook her head, and the doctor reach forward touching her waist and stomach. "Does it hurt if I push here?"

"No."

"How about here?"

"No." The doctor moved away, nodding to himself slightly.

"Well I don't see anything that distresses me, but because of your symptoms I wonder if you would mind doing a few tests so that I can check a few other things, just to rule out any other sicknesses I think it could be."

"Sure. That's fine with me." The doctor nodded to himself again, then bowed and quickly left the room. A few moments later, one of the nurses entered the room with a cup for a urine test and a few vials along with a needle head.

"Nurse Baek, I will take some blood samples for Doctor Goo, and after you can do the urine test and place it on this tray and I will take it from there." Ha Ni nodded her head.

Ha Ni walked back to the nurses' station in her wing of the hospital, her mind boggled by what could possibly be affecting her. She walked, but she really didn't seem to notice Seung Jo standing over a patient just a few feet from her, but he sure did. Seung Jo's eyes followed his day dreaming wife as she continued to ignore him. Something was definitely going on with her, and he was going to find out no matter what. He missed the old Ha Ni with her annoying and chipper view of the world. He missed his Ha Ni.

The day had gone by as quickly as it had started and Seung Jo was driving home, Ha Ni still had most of her evening shift left, but she would be home soon enough, and tomorrow was his day off so he would find out what was going on with her even if it killed him. As Seung Jo approached the house, the lights were on inside. Dinner was probably almost ready and Omma would be waiting so Seung Jo had little time to think over his plan to question his wife. Seung Jo wandered into the house, finding that the house felt just as busy and noisy as the hospital had all day. The television was on, so he could only guess Appa was watching the news waiting for Omma to finish supper. Eun Jo was either with him, or studying in his room, but knowing him, he was studying no doubt. Seung Jo removed his shoes and slipped on his house slippers coming into the main hall.

"Seung Jo! Your home!" Omma beamed at her son, and turned back to stove quickly stirring the pot, before turning off the burner.

"Good evening Omma." Seung Jo hung his bag by the door, and started to shuffle up the stairs to his room.

"Hurry back down, dinner will be ready soon."

"De Omma, I will come back soon." He slowly made his way up the stairs, and into his bedroom. He sat down flopping onto his back, and stared at the picture of him and Ha Ni at their highschool graduation. It was so silly, but she cherished that stupid picture like its her greatest treasure. Almost like she believes that one day all of their life will be made a lie and this is the only piece that could tell the truth of what it once was. Seung Jo sighed hugging the frame into his chest. Something was wrong, and he didn't know how to read her any more. The most uncomplicated woman, was becoming complicated.


	2. Tell the Truth

Seung Jo had woken up the next morning only to find the place beside him once again empty. Ha Ni should have come in last night, but he hadn't seemed to notice at all and this morning when she should usually be still asleep she was no where in sight. Sueng Jo rubbed his eyes trying to clear the foggy, glassy look there and proceeded to search the small room the two occupied in their family's home. Seung Jo noted that the sun had not even crossed the horizon enough to blindingly wake him, and his wife was up. The two never mixed. At least that's something he had never seen in their married life together. He yawned, still not worried by the unexpected set of events and, as usual, went into the bathroom to get the heavy feeling of sleep brushed out his mouth.

Not too long after he chose to appreciate his day off by starting with coffee in silence in the back garden. The sun had slowly risen more and he figured Omma would be getting up soon so his last chance to enjoy the great silence of outside was for the next few minutes. He stepped back into his room to get a light sweater finding, to his surprise, the pink lumpy puff he was accustomed to waking next to. 'Where had she come from?' He sat on the bed for a moment, searching his thoughts for images of her in the room that his sleepy eyes may have missed. The room looked untouched, and the scene was the same he woke to every morning. 'Odd...' Seung Jo shrugged his shoulders and went back to the original reason he had returned to the room, the sweater.

Ha Ni lay on her side, her eyes staring at the wall un-phased as Seung Jo stepped into the room. His footfalls seemed to stop for a moment, and suddenly the bed sunk behind her. Ha Ni pleaded with all the spirits and things that she hoped still loved her that he wouldn't check on her, she didn't like lying to Seung Jo, but her reality felt to fake and if he asked her anything or wanted to be playful in that rare occasion, she would feel worse than she already did. A small bubble formed in her throat, preparing to become a sob, but the bed rose again and the sound of Seung Jo's footfalls disappeared with a door click behind her. She had to find a way to speak up. A way that he would actually listen to her, because ever since the visit with the doctor yesterday she had been so afraid of him finding out about whatever could be happening to her first. Worst of all she was still waiting to hear from the doctor about whatever he could think that sickness could be that caused her to become so sick recently. Her mind was racing around and around, and she could feel the sob getting to the very top of her throat. She was without any other ability to hold it back. It felt like the air was sucked completely out of her, and the pain had leaked out onto the pillow, soaking it up just like her mother had when she was very little.

After a while the tears and small, gasping sobs stopped and she felt empty. Her eyes stayed on the wall just beyond, the sunlight collecting there making the room smile when she couldn't. Her breathing seemed to even out, and she slowly drifted to sleep hoping to escape into her dream world The Seung Jo of her dreams would finally notice, wouldn't he?

Omma had been scheming all yesterday in an attempt to find out what had been causing Ha Ni to not eat and to look so disheveled. Omma was getting down to the very bottom of this if her life depended on it. She had been snooping at the hospital, her disguise poor, but seemed to do the desired job, neither Seung Jo or her beloved Ha Ni had seen her. And yet the trip hadn't been very fruitful. She had learned nothing about Ha Ni that she didn't already know. She was a loving kind girl, and could be a little stupid sometimes, but her perseverance outweighed the stupidity. Of course Omma had gotten very flustered and went to defend her Ha Ni at times but had to stop herself because she was going to give herself away. She knew some things that people said were true about Ha Ni, that she wasn't the most vigilant or the least clumsy but that didn't mean she was stupid. So once again Omma was stumped. She sat in her bedroom watching the sunrise seep through the cracks in the curtains. Her hair out of its usual neat bun, was splayed against her pillow. Her mind still troubled by the thoughts of what could change her Ha Ni so much. She finally had a wonderful daughter she always dreamed of having, but each day it all seemed to drift further and further from her fairy tale. She was losing Ha Ni. 'Seung Jo must have done something to her!' Omma thought. She sat up quickly, pulling he covers off of Appa to pool around her waist.

"Yes that must be it!" She said much more loudly than she had intended. Appa grumbled some sleepy words, and Omma quickly dressed and hurried to see if Seung Jo was awake. She mumbled under her breath some of the words she would use to get the truth out of Seung Jo.

Seung Jo sat out on the patio in the back, his navy sweater wrapped snuggly around him as he sipped a small mug of coffee he had prepared earlier. The air outside was brisk, but he felt like he could finally breath after so long. Everywhere else always felt so suffocating. There were always people around always wanting something from him. Everyone, except Ha Ni. She never said a word anymore, not even to fight him on the most silly of things. She never complained anymore. She seemed to finally understand what it was supposed to be like with him. He smiled at the thought, but then seemed to frown. 'Is that what I really want? Someone just like me?' He felt troubled. He had married the bubbly oddball of a girl because she had changed him. She was the beauty he had never known before. She made him look at things differently, changed his mind about trusting other people no matter if their IQ was less than his or not. She taught him to be a person like any other. And because of that he adored her, though he would never admit to all of that.

He sipped his coffee again, listening to a bird twitter and chirp hidden in some tree. He didn't know how to feel in that instant. Perhaps more confused than any other moment in his life. Suddenly the beautiful silence that had existed was gone,

"Ya! Seung Jo, what did you do to Ha Ni?"

"Good Morning Omma."

"Don't 'Good Morning' me! What have you done?"

"I have no idea what you are referring to. Ha Ni is fine, just as she's always been."

"My son is an idiot." Seung Jo bolted upright and turned, glaring at his mother.

"Omma, I am not an idiot. Nothing is wrong that I have noticed, she is my wife so I should know."

"You're right, she is your wife. But you have no idea." Seung Jo could feel the burn of anger settle in his gut, but deeper down he knew she was right. Something was off, but what?

"Seung Jo, I'm worried." He could feel the weight in her voice. It was something big, but if she didn't know it was something way too big for anyone to see.

"De Omma, I understand your concern. But perhaps it is nothing, Ha Ni could just be looking for attention, like always. You could be overreacting to nothing at all."

"YA! Seung Jo, Ha Ni would never look for attention. She doesn't need attention." Omma turned her face away feeling frustration lines begin to etch into her skin. "Something else is happening." The words seemed to linger in the air like the sound of a shot ready to kill.

"Maybe you're right." Seung Jo mumbled his voice so quiet his mother couldn't hear him.

"So what have you done?" Her voice rose up higher and higher, each word pitched with a sharper note to carry out the sound.

"Keep your voice down you'll wake the whole house." Seung Jo growled at his mother angrily. This wasn't his fault, there was nothing wrong, nothing. It was all in their imaginations, there was nothing wrong. 'Nothing. Nothing wrong, she's just feeling off.' He kept telling himself. Over and over like a mantra, because that was all he could hope for. He could not let anything else be.

"Seung Jo, I'm sorry. I can see what's wrong already." Seung Jo's head spun quickly to her as his mother retreated inside. What could she see? What was wrong? What?

Ha Ni was waking for the first time, with the same feeling she had before. She was still empty. Just outside the window she could hear a faint conversation going on below. She listened for a while to the murmurs, trying to understand their words.

"So what have you done?" The words were ringing in her ears. It was Omma, but what could she mean? Nothing was happening, she couldn't know what was happening to Ha Ni, so what could she be so upset about? Another gruff reply was heard, but the words were lost. Ha Ni stared at the picture of her and Seung Jo. She used to be so happy, just looking at that picture for hours remembering when Seung Jo first confessed to her in the rain, his arms wrapped around her in the most breath-taking kiss she had ever felt. She had loved him, she still loved him, that would never change. She still wanted to be with him...forever. A fresh tear rolled down her check warm against the pillow. She didn't want to cry any more, she didn't want to feel the confusing pain any more. Yet it still lingered and more tears drifted down her cheeks. She had to get through another day behind the façade she held tightly to.

So she had gotten ready, pulled on her scrubs and prepared for another day at the hospital hoping that it would be less of a struggle to make it through. She was still hoping to hear from the doctor today, hoping to catch him at an off moment perhaps and ask about the news. Down stairs she could hear Omma and Appa jabbering about something. Seung Jo was probably down there too, and perhaps even Eun Jo. She had already thrown up that morning, and the dizziness was making it harder to walk down the steps, but she still did it.

"Good morning, everyone."

"Good Morning Ha Ni! Why don't you sit down next to Seung Jo there and have some breakfast?" Omma ushered her around the table, and into a seat next to Seung Jo. Ha Ni smiled weakly at Omma, and a worried frown slipped over Omma's features so fast Ha Ni barely even noticed.

"This morning I've made some eggs to brighten up the day. Here." Omma settled the plates of food before everyone, and went about serving. Seung Jo held both his and Ha Ni's up for a serving, but otherwise paid no mind to his wife. Ha Ni thanked him and Omma, and proceeded to push her food about the plate taking a small bit ever few pushes. By the time she had to rush out there was still a large mound of food on her plate. Omma looked surprised for the second day in a row.

"Seung Jo-ah, I thought you and Ha Ni planned your days off together? Why is she going to work?"

"This time she wanted to work at the hospital more because there is a patient she is caring for that is very ill and she gets worried more than ever now about him. He is very ill." Seung Jo went back to reading the news paper Appa had left behind when he had left to take Eun Jo to the bus stop.

"Seung Jo-ah, are you going anywhere today?"

"I didn't have any where in particular to go. Perhaps visit Appa Oh at his restaurant and see how he. I haven't been there in a while."

"What a good idea! That would be very nice of you. But I think today would be a better idea for you to figure out what is happening to our Ha Ni."

"Omma, when she is ready she will tell me. Leave her alone."

"You don't understand still. She far past being ready."

"What are you talking about?"

"Seung Jo, have you not noticed her face has been far paler than usual. Or that she barely eats anything, and that would be on the rare occasion she decides to eat?"

"What are you talking about? She was eating right next to me this morning."

"Look at her plate for yourself." Seung Jo looked at the plate beside him noting the large amount of eggs and other breakfast remaining on it. "Does that look like she ate anything?"

"Well other than yesterday, she eats with me everyday, and I haven't noticed anything wrong."

"Why didn't she eat with you yesterday?"

"She never showed up, and by the time I thought it was odd, my lunch was already over. There was no way for me to look for her then."

"I wonder what she was doing at that time, it seems very unlike Ha Ni to miss a lunch or anytime she has to spend with you."

"Don't jump to conclusions, Omma, she probably just had an emergency in her wing of the hospital. Nothing is wrong I tell you, and I want you to leave it at that." Seung Jo once again returned to the paper, busying himself trying to ignore the faces his mother was making, and trying to keep himself from jumping into her illusions with her. With all her talk, his usual cool exterior was beginning to crack.

At the hospital, Ha Ni felt her head spinning, everything was flying out of control and the world around her was too much, lunch had passed and she had felt like eating barely anything. She knew it wasn't good for her, but every time she tried to eat something it would come up in the next second. She had to find out soon what was happening to her, but with her luck she had not bumped in to Dr Goo at all that morning. How could he be missing at a time like this? She had to understand all of it, and perhaps whatever it was could explain so much more, or give her the chance to talk to Seung Jo about how she was feeling. How could he be missing at a time like this? She had to understand all of it, and perhaps whatever it was could explain so much more, or give her the chance to talk to Seung Jo about how she was feeling. She was terrified to find out if something bad was happening to her. Could she really tell Seung Jo that? Or would she save him from the pain and suffer on her own?

Ha Ni's head was full of questions and she just wanted an answer to one of them. Something that would give an explanation. As she rounded the corner from lunch, she saw Dr. Goo at the nurse's station. She straightened herself and headed in his direction determined to find out what was happening to her. Dr. Goo was speaking animatedly with another nurse, who suddenly pointed to Ha Ni just behind him. He looked up, a smile on his face and approached her.

"Nurse Baek, I have your results and its just what I thought it was. Congratulations, you're having a baby." The words sunk in, and a small flutter of happiness filled Ha Ni.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure, when you were describing some of the symptoms to me yesterday I was sure, but after the tests came back I'm now a hundred percent." Ha Ni could feel her whole body shake. She was having a baby, her's and Seung Jo's. Perhaps after all she had been through; she was finally going to be able to find that piece of happiness that was missing. Tears welled into her eyes, it wasn't from the very harsh facade that she always carried around, she wasn't sad, she was happy. After such a long time, she was happy. Then it struck her, would Seung Jo believe her? She had thought she was pregnant once before and when they found out she wasn't Seung Jo seemed angry at her more than anything. Would he still be angry with her? It was so early in their marriage that it would be too soon to have a baby. Seung Jo and she were still in school preparing for their degrees, they worked, what felt like, endless hours. And then the worst thing dawned on her, she hadn't been taking care of herself, which in turn meant her baby was suffering.

"Dr. Goo, how far along would you say I am?"

"Hm, I would say about 4 or 5 weeks." The horror etched into Ha Ni's mind, four or five weeks meant that her waning appetite had been hurting her baby for about three or four weeks now. She had never wanted her empty feelings to cause anyone to hurt, or to be in pain, but at that very moment that was exactly what she had been doing. She had been hurting her baby for weeks. Their baby. Ha Ni felt her stomach drop, and her knees began to give out. She fell to her knees wrapping her arms around her middle, and began to cry, softly rocking herself. Dr. Goo panicked and kneeled before her, his hands on her shoulders.

"Nurse Baek, are you alright"

"I need help."


	3. Scares and Scars

Seung Jo sat in the living room, a book in hand, trying to read. He wasn't succeeding. Ever since this morning the words his mother said had left him confused and wondering. He stared at the page in front of him reading the words over and over again in an attempt to understand them, but every time he seemed to reach the middle of the page his mind out drift completely, and he would lose his place. Ha Ni was always there. He couldn't think of anything that was different or odd about her recently. She was the same as always...wasn't she? Seung Jo grumbled and threw the book down on the couch beside him. She was ruining his day. Making his day of relaxation more troublesome than she would be if she were there. His legs were crossed as he leaned back casually, but to anyone passing, you could tell by his set features and tensed fists that he was angry about something.

"I finally get some peace in this house, and all I can think about it Ha Ni!" His mother had struck a cord with him. He was worried about what could be wrong, but he still noticed nothing. She was fine this morning sleeping as always. And the day before that she had woke early just to greet him. That was something she would do, she wasn't acting different. Seung Jo ran his fingers though his hair aggressively, frustration clearly etched into his face. He stood and walked to the kitchen thinking perhaps some tea would calm him enough that he could actually enjoy his day off. He filled the kettle with water, then placed it on the stove top before turning to one of the high cabinets to find his favorite tea buried in there somewhere. He placed a small tea bag into a mug he had pulled as well, and leaned against the countertop mulling over the past few weeks. Could something really be as wrong as Omma is making it out to be? Ha Ni went to work like always, came back home as always. Did stupid things (as always), and made him crazy like always in the best ways. There was nothing wrong, he had done nothing wrong. The tea shrieked beside him startling Seung Jo out of his thoughts.

Seung Jo returned to his perch on the couch trying, and failing, to once again read his book. Ha Ni was just stuck in his mind, he couldn't escape the gnawing feeling that something was really wrong. He sipped his tea as an attempt to settle the curling fear that seemed to grip his body. Ha Ni was fine she was at the hospital it was just like any other day. Seung Jo jumped suddenly as his phone started to vibrate and lowly chime. He grumbled again, pulling out his phone to read the screen. _Dong-Ah Hospital_ flashed across the tiny screen. Seung Jo stared at the screen for a moment flipping through the various reasons he would be getting at call from the hospital at his day off. He had forgotten to finish his reports from yesterday, but that wouldn't matter in the slightest to his head doctors, he could finish them tomorrow they knew that. One of his patients was having some problem, or possibly dying, and they required knowing what he had been giving them medically to help. But that's what files are for. Finally his thoughts rested on his wife, perhaps she was calling for some reason. But why from the hospital and not her own phone.

"She probably wants me to bring her phone to her, most likely she forgot it this morning on her way out. " Seung Jo's phone finally stopped buzzing in his hand. He shrugged pushing it back into his pocket, and picking up his book again, his mind finally cleared of all the extra "non-sense".

"If she has time to call me, then she seems like she's her old self." He sipped his tea and started the page once again from the very top, intent on actually understanding each word that was written there.

Omma was staring at some of the flowers, a beautiful bouquet of red and pink tulips. 'Perhaps that would cheer, my darling Ha Ni, up!' She thought excitedly. She waved over an elderly man standing just behind the counter near the opening of the door.

"I would like these, please." The old man smiled, and picked up the bouquet taking it with him back to the counter to wrap them up. Omma watched at the old man's nimble fingers wrapped the flowers snuggly into their paper and plastic blanket.

Omma paid the man and bid him goodbye, as she left to finish her shopping for the day. As she approached her car her phone rang in her bag. She hurriedly gripped the flowers and her bag together in one hand, while digging around inside her bag with the other. The ringing continued for a while longer as she finally found it, and filled it open, not even glancing to see who was there calling.

"Yoboseyo?"

"Mrs. Baek? Is this Mrs. Baek?"

"De, who is this?"

"Mrs. Baek, I'm calling from the Dong-Ah Hospital. "

"Nurse Baek, I need you to calm down and tell me what's wrong." Dr. Goo was still on his knees, his hands resting on her shoulders. Each sob wracked her body so she was unable to move. Fear had gripped her entire body, what had she done? The doctor shook her shoulders and tried to get her eyes back to his, but he was losing the battle. Ha Ni's hysteria was much worse, and the sinking feeling she had wasn't helping. What had she been doing? The whole point of keeping her sickness and feelings a secret was to not hurt anyone. Yet here she was doing exactly that. Maybe she was stupid after all.

"Nurse Baek, I need you to stand up." Dr. Goo's face swivled around to face the nurses' station, "I need one of you to help me get her to my office." The nurses stayed motionless, just staring at the scene before them. "Now!" The nurses shuffled around, grabbing Ha Ni in an attempt to support her and quickly followed Dr. Goo into his office.

Ha Ni felt her breath coming in short shallow pants, but she couldn't seem to get air into her lungs in any other way. Her head had begun to feel dizzy when they had first entered one of Dr. Goo's exam rooms, but her head kept spinning even when she was placed on the bed. The paper sheet crunched beneath her weight loudly, but she couldn't seem to hear. Her vision narrowed and the panting of her breath got quieter. This of course only made her more frightened, which in turn caused her breath to speed up more. And that's when everything went black.

"Mrs. Baek, your daughter Baek Ha Ni, has collapsed at the hospital."

"What happened!" Omma felt the flowers fall from her grasp, but barely seemed to notice.

"I think its best that I explain with you here, she has still not woken after a fainting spell she had once we got her to an exam room."

"She fainted! I'll be there right away." Omma slapped the phone shut, scrambling to find her keys, and suddenly remembered the flowers. She proceeded to pick up the remaining flowers that were now battered and beaten looking. She could feel soft tears roll down the tip of her nose.

Omma raced to the hospital barely paying any attention to other thoughts that raced through her mind.

"Seung Jo must be worried, possibly out of his mind with worry." Yet even hearing those words come from her mouth, something didn't make sense to her. Why had the doctor called her? If anything had happened, wouldn't Seung Jo be the one to call her? She couldn't help the anger and worry buried in the pit of her stomach as she pulled into the parking lot next to the hospital. Grabbing her bag, she left the wilting flowers in the seat, and slammed the car door shut behind her, the lights flashing and a quiet beep emitting from the car signifying it was locked.

As she approached the information desk, her hands felt sweaty and she could feel her entire body shaking as she asked in a calm voice.

"I need the room for Nurse Baek Ha Ni."

The woman at the information desk smiled at her, and pointed toward the elevator saying that the nurses' station was on the second floor.

"Gomapseumnida." She hurried toward the elevator, wondering at last why she had been called by the hospital, and not Seung Jo? It may have been his day off but that didn't mean that she should be getting a call like this. The doors slid open and Omma stepped inside watching the numbers flash up to the second floor. She surged forward when the doors slid open once more, and found her self panting with an expectant looking nurse waiting.

"Where is Nurse Baek?" A look of pity crossed the nurse's face for a moment, but then she smiled and waved for Omma to follow her. The walk there was very silent, Omma was too quiet for her own liking but the worry was building up too much. The nurse waved her hand toward a to their left, and waited as Omma rushed inside. As she opened the door she felt more panicked when she heard others in the room. Two pairs of eyes stared at her, but the quickly turned away as she rushed to Ha Ni's bedside. Ha Ni lay still unconscious breathing softly as she slept. She looked perfectly peaceful and calm, a very different look from what she had been looking like recently. Omma felt a light pressure on his shoulder, and looked back to find a doctor waving her outside. She quietly followed him out. As the door clicked the doctor lead Omma to a set of chairs outside the rooms and sat down waving for her to join him.

"Mrs. Baek, my name is Dr. Goo, I have been taking care of your daughter-in-law for the past few weeks."

"Weeks? What has she been seeing you for?"

"She claimed to be feeling sick and having dizzy spells recently."

"Oh...well can you explain to me what happened today? Why did she collapse? What happened?" Omma's hands started to pull at each other, wringing out her fingers and knuckles.

"Well, as was probably mentioned to you on the phone, Nurse Baek collapsed. This was after she had found out some news, which caused a panic attack to ensue. At the moment she has been sedated. She woke up just before you got here, and immediately began to have another panic attack. Not wanting her to injure herself or the fetus we decided to sedate her. I have yet to understand the cause of her panic attack, but it is most likely due to the news of her pregnancy." Dr. Goo went silent as Omma soaked in all of his words. But two seemed to resonate in her mind the most.

"Fetus? Pregnancy?"

"Yes, congratulations, you are going to be a grandmother." Tears began to spill down her cheeks, this was the happiest news she had ever received next to the birth of her own two healthy boys. Ha Ni was pregnant, for real this time. She and Seung Jo were going to have a little baby of their own. Then it struck her. Where was Seung Jo?

"Did anyone call my son, Dr. Baek?"

"Yes, of course! We called him first, but for some reason he could not be reached at the time." Shocked was etched into Dr. Goo's face, which was then mirrored by Omma's at the sudden realization that her son had ignored the call about his wife's collapse. Angry rose in her gut, but she didn't have time to argue with Seung Jo now. Now was time to worry about Ha Ni and understand what was happening.

"Doctor, when will Ha Ni awake?"

"I can give her something to make the effects of the sedative wear off faster, but it will last at least an hour before she wakes." Omma nodded, and the doctor seemed to understand that. So he lead her back to the room, and gave Ha Ni the drug that was supposed to help. All Omma could do now was wait.

"Seung Jo, I'm home! Where are you?" The main hall was quiet, and the living room seemed deserted. Ha Ni slipped her feet into her house slippers, and walked in dropping her bag beside the coat rack. She stretched, and yawned as she walked to the kitchen to find some food. Ha Ni pulled out a bottle of water and some left over noodles from her father's restaurant. She unwrapped the bowl, and poured a few into a smaller one before putting it into the microwave. This was the best hope she had of cooking. She felt so hungry recently, like she hadn't eaten in days. It was strange. Ha Ni leaned against the counter, noticing how odd the house looked. 'Omma must be redecorating again' The microwave beeped softly beside her, and she popped open the door letting the aroma embrace her. She walked quickly over to the small table beside the window, and tucked her legs beneath her before diving into the bowl of noodles. The slipper feel of them and the warm radiance made her feel calm, and happy. Suddenly she felt a sharp bump come from her abdomen. She looked down startled. She could see nothing, so she went back to eating again. She took another bite, and another bump assaulted her stomach. She placed her chopsticks to the side, and pressed her hand gently to the very top of her stomach. As she did so, she noticed that her stomach had rounded out a little from its usual flatness. She rubbed her hand over it hoping to find the source of the bumping feeling, she stopped the motion and waited staring at her stomach. Suddenly she felt a soft bump against her hand, her eyes popped out wide and she gasped. A smile crept to her face.

"My baby." She whispered to herself. Then a feeling of regret washed over her. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you." The stairs behind her creaked, and Ha Ni quickly wiped away the tear that had begun to roll down her cheek.

"When did you get in?"

"Just now."

"Did you find dinner?" Ha Ni picked up the bowl and her chopsticks, showing Seung Jo that she had.

"Good." Silence ensued. Ha Ni ate, and Seung Jo sat in the chair opposite her after he had gotten a glass of water for himself.

"What's wrong?" Seung Jo broke the silence, and Ha Ni's head whipped up a stunned expression upon it.

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I said. What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Ha Ni looked down at her now empty bowl before dropping her eyes once again to her swelling stomach.

"Ha Ni, tell me." His voice was calm and kind compared to its usual harshness.

"I don't know how."

"You don't know how to what?"

"I don't know how to tell you."

"You know you can tell me anything."

"This you, yes, but what about the real you?" Ha Ni grumbled, tears welling in her eyes. "How can I tell you anything when you never ask? Do you even love me?" Arms embraced her just as quickly as her words fell from her mouth.

"More than anything in the world." Seung Jo whispered in her ear.

"Then say it." Ha Ni closed her eyes, and pushed back into the warmth, but as soon as she did it felt cold and a dim light filled her vision. She blinked her eyes groggily, noticing the windows and florescent lighting that brightly lit the room. Her eyes darted round, until they landed on the small frame of her Omma. The older woman, looked far beyond her years hunched over with tear streaks down her face.

"Omma." Ha Ni whispered, afraid to break the silence of the room, but Omma's eyes lit up as they landed on her waking face.

"Ha Ni, your awake! I was so worried." Her hands clasped around Ha Ni's rubbing her thumb in circles on the back of Ha Ni's hand.

"What happened?"

"You had an anxiety attack and passed out, then when you awoke it began to happen again, so the doctor sedated you to allow you to rest."

"Where is Dr. Goo? I must speak with him immediately."

"I'll get him, but what's wrong my dear?"

"I'll tell you when Dr. Goo is here. Perhaps he can help me."

"Alright, I'll be back in a moment." She walked out letting the door shut quietly behind her.

Dr. Goo followed Omma back into the room closing the door behind them both before appearing at the end of Ha Ni's bed. Ha Ni just felt tired, like she could sleep forever, but she knew that she had been doing horrible things to her baby. So now she had to see if she could fix it. She had to be the one, her reality no matter how loveless was now belonging to both her and her baby, at least. Dr. Goo watched her, and Ha Ni finally took a huge breath in and decided to start.

"Dr. Goo, I need help."

"In what way? Earlier before you passed out you kept asking me to help you. What do you need?"

"I" Her voce caught in her throat, "I have been unable to eat for about three months now. I just don't feel hungry." She felt her throat constrict, that wasn't the whole truth. Yes she hadn't been eating, but that wasn't why she was asking for help.

"I see." He studied her face closely before speaking again, "Is there anything else that you want to say?" Ha Ni nodded, but her throat kept tightening. She didn't know if she could actually say the words.

"I" She wrung her hands in her lap and stared at them, then suddenly felt another take hers and squeeze them tight. Ha Ni looked up tears brimming in her eyes as they met Omma's.

"I have been having these feelings, just emptiness, and I cry constantly without any reason."

"Nurse Baek, I think I understand, but may I ask you a question." Ha Ni nodded again, but placed her eyes down onto her entwined hands. "Have you ever thought about hurting your self?" Omma gasped beside her, and tightened her grip, almost as if she thought Ha Ni was going to drift away from her. Ha Ni nodded again her eyes glued to her hands.

"Have you ever actually hurt yourself?"

"I came close, a few nights ago. But not yet." Ha Ni's voice was small, and so quiet that both Omma and the doctor almost didn't hear it.

"Alright, I understand. I think I would like to prescribe you attending therapy appointments here at the hospital's psychiatric wing." Omma's arms wrapped around her in an instant.

"We'll get through this, I'll help you too." She sniffled into Ha Ni's hair, and the two of them sat on the bed crying for a while in each other's arms.

The hospital had yet to release Ha Ni, and the lights were getting dimmer, and all of the tears had dried from both women's faces. The sat staring out the window together, when finally Omma sat up quickly, a surprised gasp escaping her lips.

"Ha Ni, I know that there is a lot to work on, but how do you feel about the baby?"

"You know about that?"

"Yes of course! The doctor told me."

"I don't know exactly yet. I'm actually feeling happy about this and excited. But then when I realized that I hadn't been eating for much longer than I had been pregnant. I was hurting my baby." Ha Ni wrapped her hands around her middle, rocking slowly, trying to calm her tears again.

"I know, but remember that happiness most of all. You are helping yourself now, and that means you can be happy."

"I know. But even with that, I'm afraid the most of telling Seung Jo. He will probably think its fake again, that I'm lying."

"Over my dead body he will. Omma has the proof right from the doctor."

"Thank you." Ha Ni squeezed her waist tighter, then thought 'I will protect you, I will take care of you.'

The hospital released Ha Ni about an hour later, and Omma drove them home.


	4. Realizations

Seung Jo had begun to finally get into his book when his phone rang for a second time. He stopped, groaned at the annoyance of being bothered once he finally got into his book. His worrying over Ha Ni had subsided and whatever the hospital had wanted before clearly it wasn't urgent enough for them to leave a message. Seung Jo had not received one at least. This time an unknown number had popped up onto his screen. Seung Jo stared at it for a few seconds trying to understand why he had the sudden urge to pick it up. Something felt wrong about it all. First the hospital calls on his day off, then an unknown number. Typically that shouldn't have felt odd to him, that sort of thing could really happen at anytime. And it had happened to him before, but all day he had felt off about everything he looked at. His phone stopped vibrating, and the ringtone died out as another missed call registered on the screen. Seung Jo held the phone staring at the words "missed call" for longer than he usually would, his gut said something was wrong. Seung Jo always trusted his gut ever since he made the choice to love Ha Ni, and it had never steered him wrong. His life was better then he could have ever imagined it with all that Ha Ni had given him. The phone vibrated a second time and a voicemail popped up on the screen. Seung Jo lay his book down on the coffee table before him unfolding his legs and leaning on his knees. He stared at the screen a little longer, his feelings of uncertainty turning to nervous bouts of fear that seemed to patter around in his stomach making him feel as if he were going to throw up. He pressed a few buttons reaching the screen with the highlight cast over the word "play". It was just a voicemail, someone had probably just gotten a wrong number and called by accident, it happened all the time. Seung Jo tried to rational why he should feel anything but afraid or nervous, but that lingering feeling held strong in his stomach. So he pushed play and listened.

"Ah, hello Dr. Baek. This is Dr. Goo from the hospital, earlier the hospital was unable to reach you and I thought I would try to at least call you myself just to inform you that your wife is fine, and has been released to your mother about 10 minutes ago. If you have any questions or your wife has any questions either please feel free to call me at this number, it is my office phone number. Thank you." The message ended, but Seung Jo kept it pressed to his ear for dear life. What did he mean she's fine? What happened to her? When was he injured? Why had he only gotten the message no? What happened? Question after question raced through his mind, and all he could do was feel that panic and bile rising in his throat. Where was his Ha Ni? Why wasn't he with her at this point? He had missed the call about her being in need. He had been selfish again. Pushed aside her needs for his day off. Seung Jo stood, and paced toward the window his heart beating out of his chest and all of the small burns of bile filled his throat. He felt sick, and he felt cruel. He had once again mistreated his wife. Once again made a mistake, because he wanted some time to understand what had been happening. He stared out at back yard, glancing every so often at the kitchen window to see if any lights flashed there. The daylight had long gone, so that meant that this had been happening for a while. Ha Ni had been ill or injured for a long time. He had received the call from the hospital just around the time after lunch.

The hospital was not that far away, and yet to Seung Jo it felt like it took hours before he finally saw the flash of light come from the kitchen window. His heart leapt into his throat, as another bout of bile rose and fell inside. He could hear the doors of the car slamming, but nothing else until the front door was being unlocked and a shuffling of things could be heard. Seung Jo spun around his eyes automatically dusting over Ha Ni's form. She didn't seem to be physically injured, there were no signs of stiches, or casts, or even bandages. She seemed fine outwardly for the most part. Though once Seung Jo's eyes reached her's again he could tell something was very wrong. They were bloodshot, and she had swollen patches around them. And yet, when he looked into them he could only see the dull emptiness he had glimpsed this morning for a short second. He didn't know what to do now. Seung Jo remained stock still, as the two women entered into the living room. Ha Ni looked more timid now that she was approaching Seung Jo, but his mother looked absolutely furious.

"Ha Ni, why don't you go up stairs and have a lie down?" Omma gently nudged Ha Ni toward the stairs. Ha Ni's eyes widened for a moment, before she saw the flit of worry and anger that seemed to dash across Omma's face. Ha Ni new better than to argue at this point, so she smiled weakly and ascended the steps. Both Omma and Seung Jo listened to his shuffling feet and a door closing behind her. The second the door had closed Omma turned, her eyes burning holes into Seung Jo. Seung Jo just continued to stare at what was happening around him. His voice would not release, and he couldn't even move his body to Ha Ni. She just had looked to worn and fragile at that moment, he was afraid of breaking her. Or perhaps breaking her more.

"Where were you?" Omma's voice rang out in the silent room coldly. The air was thick, and yet Seung Jo could not speak a word. He moved his mouth, but it felt dry and his throat was constricting. Ha Ni's eyes had caused his panic, he had to do something. Say anything to help. "Are you going to answer me? Where were you?"

"What happened?"

"She collapsed at the hospital after hearing some news today."

"Why? Is she ill?" His eyes stared at the staircase as if he could still see her form there taking each step with such pain.

"She needed you. I have no right to tell you what is happening with her. You need to talk to her, and take care of her."

"What happened?" Seung Jo said again. "Why did she collapse?"

"I told you. She was given some news that caused a panic attack to ensue. The only thing I'll tell you is that after the first attack she fainted, and the second one the doctors had to sedate her."

"I'm sorry." He felt meek, and his voice came out shallow and wispy.

"Why weren't you there?"

"I didn't pick up the call in time. I never received a message." Omma sighed then, and Seung Jo could only look on as she seemed to age before him. He face was tired and older looking. Far beyond he years that he new her to be.

"Seung Jo, I'm scared for her. She needs you more than ever, and you weren't there." She shook her head, and sighed one last time before getting up and moving to the kitchen trying to busy herself with making food for Ha Ni. Seung Jo just watched, his chest aching with the guilt he felt. He had to know what happened from Ha Ni. He had to find out what was going on with her. All day he had been thinking about how she had seemed off, and this finally confirmed that something was occurring. He felt his strength return to him, and slowly walked up the stairs and to his bedroom door. He stopped, his had raised to knock, knowing that he had to win back the trust Ha Ni had given him. But just as his had began to near the door, he head a sob. As he listened more intently, he noticed that it wasn't just one, but a series of sobs emitting from his love. It broke his heart to hear it. The utter sorrow and pain he could hear in those small gasping cries. Seung Jo breathed in deeply and knocked on the door before pushing it open. Ha Ni had shuffled around quickly, laying on her side with her had wrapped around her waist. Small hiccups escaped her lips every few seconds, and Seung Jo felt worse than before. He wanted to hold her to his chest, and let her feel that he loved her, but he didn't know if that would help. He sat on the edge of the bed, and reached a hand out to touch her back. Ha Ni flinched under his sudden touch, but seemed to quickly relax under the touch.

"Can you leave?" The words came out so quiet Seung Jo didn't think he had heard them correctly.

"What?"

"Can you leave?" A tear rolled down Ha Ni's nose dropping onto the pillow. She couldn't face him now. All that she had feared seemed to have come to light that day and the last thing she wanted was Seung Jo to hate her for it.

"Why?" The question seemed to vibrate through her, sending her heart into overdrive, it actually sounded like he cared, but she knew better. She always knew better.

"I can't." Ha Ni's voice had gone from the hushed whisper to a broken fragment of sound. She couldn't look into the face she loved, and seeing the loveless eyes of her husband staring back at her. She couldn't.

"Look at me. Please, Ha Ni- ah, look at me." Seung Jo didn't move, he only waited for her to make the first move as he was really scared of what was happening, this wasn't the Ha Ni he knew. "Ha Ni, I need to know what happened today. Tell me, please."

"You weren't there. You weren't there."

"I know I'm sorry, I didn't know. What happened?" The strain seeping into Seung Jo's voice, but Ha Ni couldn't hear it.

"I'm scared." Seung Jo's arms wrapped around her, but as he leaned down she shifted closer to the edge of the bed. Seung Jo let his hand slip from her waist, and felt a pang of guilt grip at him once again. "Can you leave?" Ha Ni repeated for a third time. She hugged at her stomach once more, and curled her knees in closer.

Seung Jo pushed himself off the bed, backing toward the door his eyes sore and his chest aching, but he opened and closed the door behind him just like she asked. He stood outside staring at the white door, hoping to hear her call out to him. He wanted to understand, but he had been doing so many things wrong. And because of that he never actually knew what to do or say. Seung Jo pressed his hand to the door, and his forehead alongside it. So he listened intently hoping for her voice to call out to him. Hoping beyond hopes, but what broke his heart more than her silence was the soft whimpering sobs. Seung Jo clenched his fists feeling his eyes burn with tears, and then hurried back downstairs in hopes of prying further information from Omma. As he descended, he could see that Omma had finished the food she was preparing, and was now sitting staring at a cup of tea. The steps creaked beneath his footfalls, so Omma stood up and hurried over to the food picking it up. Seung Jo said nothing to her at the point, and just let her scurry past him and up the stairs. The bedroom door opened and closed, and a few seconds later repeated the pattern and Omma reappeared down stairs. She diverted her eyes to the kitchen, and Seung Jo knew he had to find out something with her. He approached her slowly, almost as if he were trying not to spook an animal.

"Where is Appa, Eun-Jo, and Ha Ni's father?"

"Eun-Jo is upstairs, I checked on him while you were with Ha Ni. Your appa is staying late at the office tonight, and Ha Ni's father should be home soon." Her words were tight lipped, but Seung Jo had to try and press on.

"She won't talk to me. She doesn't even want me to touch her."

"She needs to be the one to tell you Seung Jo, not me."

"But She won't even look at me." Seung Jo's voice rose higher with a clear tone of distress tangled in it, "I need to know what happened today. I feel to helpless right now. She won't tell me what's wrong, and just hearing her..." His voice finally gave out. Omma turned around, her hands clenching around a dish towel she had been using. "I'm sorry Omma, I'm just being foolish, being overly emotional. I'll leave her alone, she doesn't want to tell me now, that will be the best for now." Seung Jo stood and moved to the stairs. "I'll sleep down here on the couch for the night, let her have some space." Omma watched, her mouth moving to stop him, but nothing came out. She couldn't tell him anything without revealing everything that had happened, and she wanted to give Ha Ni that chance.

Later on that evening, Ha Ni awoke, her stomach rumbling slightly. Her body still ached, and she felt tired though she had probably been asleep for hours. Ha Ni sat up feeling as if she needed to stretch, slipping on her slippers, before walking over to the tray of food that Omma had brought up earlier. There were a few remnants left from when she had finally gotten herself to eat something. Most of what was left were either half eaten or too dry to actually eat. Ha Ni sighed, feeling disappointed at the fact that she had to venture out for more food. Ha Ni shuffled out of the room slowly, unconsciously placing her hand over her stomach. She walked out into the small open space outside her room, and proceeded to step quietly so as not to rouse any of the others in the house. Ha Ni yawned, and proceeded down the steps and into the kitchen. She opened the small window of the fridge to pull out some water before grabbing an orange from the basket on the counter. Ha Ni moved around the counter and sat at the table, munching on a slice of orange. Her hand once again gravitated to her belly, and perched just above her belly button. Absent mindedly, she rubbed it in circles and bit into another slice of an orange. Ha Ni finally looked down at her belly. It still looked exactly like it always did, nothing seemed to change, just yet. Though every time she looked at her stomach even if it was a passing glance, she could feel the flutters of nervous joy throughout. She worried at her lip, thinking over and over again about all the mistakes she had made because she didn't know about her baby. She could feel the burn of tears as another wave of sadness enveloped her. She tried to hold back the sob threatening to escape her throat, but she couldn't and it came out almost like a hiccup. Her chest began to ache more and more as she thought about her baby, and how she really couldn't give it the best without Seung Jo. But something felt really wrong in their relationship already, she could feel them drifting apart even if she didn't want them too. Another hiccup-like sob escaped her lips, and a shifting groan came from the couch. Ha Ni gasped quickly trying to stop another sob from escaping. She wiped away her tears quickly from her face, and tip toed over to the couch, peaking over the back. To her surprise, Seung Jo lay on the couch, his feet curled up against the far arm of the couch. He looked as peaceful as she always did when she watched him sleep. That was the only time she ever thought she saw his true self, the very vulnerable side to him. Her eyes burned again, as she fought another bout of tears welling up, and walked around the chair to sit beside his head. She sat down leaning against the couch, and watched as a few puffs of breath left his lips. He was so handsome, and innocent when he slept. The image of her baby flitted through her mind, the thought of it looking like Seung Jo as it slept broke her heart. He was going to leave her; she knew he would eventually. She wasn't the smart, beauty that he should have been with. She was average, and got lucky to even have the chance to carry his child. A tear rolled down her cheek, and she caressed his cheek, watching as his face smoothed out from a dream he must have been having. She swiped her thumb against his cheek, feeling the smooth skin of his cheek. She didn't want it all to end, she loved him more than anything, and now she was going to have his baby. A sob was stuck in her throat, but she swallowed hard and whispered, "Why don't you love me?" Ha Ni rubbed her thumb softly against his face once more, before getting up and walking to the steps and back up to bed.

Seung Jo lay awake listening as Ha Ni's steps finally faded and their bedroom door made a soft click. His chest ached more than ever, but he couldn't stop the thoughts running through his mind. What was she thinking? Of course he loved her, more than anything in the world. No matter what she did, no matter what she said, he was always going to be hers. She was stuck with him. He would have to explain to her in the morning, figure out what she was thinking. That is if she would let him.

"Ha Ni, what are you thinking?" He sighed heavily and stared up at the ceiling, thinking of how he could possibly get her to speak with him, not just when he slept.


	5. Beautiful Baby, smile for me

Chapter 5

Ha Ni sat on a large cozy couch in front of a man with small round glasses. He looked much older than her Appa, but had a very kind smile gracing his face. She felt intimidated looking at him, she wasn't sure she really wanted to talk with him about what had happened. "So Mrs. Baek, its been about a week since your panic attack, how have you been feeling since then?"

"Fine, I suppose." Ha Ni wrung her hands more, picking at her nails as was her habit.

"What do you mean by 'fine'?"

"Just that. Since then I have felt fine."

"Alright, well how about today, I understand you are pregnant, are you having any symptoms due to that? Anything that may seem out of the ordinary?"

"Nothing that is any different from the last few months."

"Can you please explain further?" Ha Ni shifted in her seat nervously, and cleared her throat before answering.

"Well, nausea is one thing, and I know its typical for morning sickness. But I've had it much longer than I've been pregnant. I'm only about three weeks along now, so the nausea has been persisting for much longer than that." The doctor wrote something down on a notepad, which he set down and returned his gaze to her.

" Well Mrs. Baek, it's quite clear to me that you don't want to speak with me about any of the questions I have. So what would you like to talk about?" The man smiled at her, and waited patiently.

"I don't know what to say." Ha Ni mumbled staring at her hands again.

"Anything that is on your mind will be just fine. If you don't mind my asking, what exactly was the reason for your being recommended, do you think?"

"I mentioned to Dr. Goo about needing help. Because I wanted to help my baby."

"Were there any other reasons you think for that?"

"Perhaps he thought some of the other symptoms I mentioned, when he asked, were of concern."

"That was a part of it. Some of the things you mentioned like the sadness you have, and the crying that occurs frequently, would you mind if we talked about that a little bit?" Ha Ni stared at her hands for a moment, before nodding, keeping her eyes on her hands the entire time. "Tell me, when you feel that way, what are you thinking about?"

"How useless I am. And how I don't deserve all of what I have."

"Why don't you deserve what you have?"

"I just got lucky, and finally all my luck has run out. I have overstayed my welcome with the wonderful family I have been with."

"I'm not sure I understand, why don't you deserve those things?"

"I don't deserve to have a man like my husband, he works really hard and well I can't seem to do anything right."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I don't know." Ha Ni picked at her nails, her fingers getting raw and turned red. "I don't know what I want. I don't know what I mean. I don't know what I deserve. All I do know is that I've overstayed my welcome. My husband is always so cold and I am always so alone. Even in a room full of people."

"Mrs. Baek, if you don't mind my asking, how long have you been feeling this way?"

"As long as I've been married. I was hoping that things would be better, that when we finally had a baby I Seung Jo would have become kinder to me." Ha Ni's heart squeezed tight in her chest. With each word she spoke, her chest ached more and more, but she wasn't able to stop the words from spilling out of her mouth. And then all at once, it hit her. Seung Jo had left her all alone, more alone then she even thought she had ever been before. For as long as her marriage had existed she had been unknowingly depressed. Seung Jo had treated her like something that could be replaced.

"Doctor, I have a question."

"Yes, Mrs. Baek?"

"Well...um...I'm not sure how to say this, but are both people supposed to be happy when they are married? Or should only one person supposed to be happy?"

"I don't know if I can answer that the way you want me to, but you may not be happy always in a marriage. I'm not sure if that answers your question."

"No, that's not what I meant. I think I want to be happy, I mean I have this tiny life inside me, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I want them to be happy and have a full life with a mom and a dad surrounded by family. But...but..."

"Mrs. Baek, I'm not able to answer that. The only thing that I could do is help you figure some things out. Unfortunately, our session for today has come to an end. I hope you feel comfortable enough to continue coming?"

Ha Ni still stared at her hands through blurry vision. What was she going to do here? If this doctor didn't have the answers she needed would she ever know? Ha Ni hiccupped quietly, a stray tear trailing down her face. She didn't know what she was going to do, but something had to be done. She asked for help, and now the hard part was actually accepting it.

"I think at this point I would like to keep coming." She nodded, wiping away the stray tear, and smiled up at the man. Through all of this he still maintained the ever-present sympathetic calm in his eyes. Perhaps she would be able to keep talking with him. Perhaps someone would actually listen to her for the first time in a very long time. Ha Ni placed her hand on her still small abdomen, putting her faith in trying to get better. She wanted to be better, this little being growing in her was going to be the one thing she could protect, and she could be happy about. She had the ability to make this baby group into a wonderful thing.

She smiled and gathered her bag nodding in thanks to the doctor and heading home.

Walking home was nothing like Ha Ni expected. Life, as always, seemed to go on around her. Sometimes when she got so wrapped up in her thoughts it was like the world had frozen, that time wouldn't go any further from that moment on. And yet, each time she walked out into the day and the public, there were many things about the world that she was still learning.

Outside of the hospital, the sun was shining brightly. Ha Ni felt her body relax and her sore eyes started to feel only slightly better. Ha Ni decided not to take the bus back home, the weather was too nice not to walk. Ha Ni leisurely walked down the sidewalk leading away from the hospital entrance. She had been in that hospital too long for her day off. But what the doctor had said made sense. She was the one who was really taking control of things just by letting them out. Though the thing that kept weighing on her mind was, what had she let out? What was she going to do about all of the inner thoughts she had never thought to acknowledge? Obviously she had to now. Ha Ni was going to have to face the inner demons that were coming into her conscious mind now. Ha Ni would never doubt that she loved Seung Jo with all her heart, neither would she want to leave her baby without it's father, but would she be able to live with him while also knowing that she had been so unhappy from the very beginning?

Was all that she knew from the few years when she was supposed to be happy just a façade? She wanted to know the truth of it all, but all the questions caused her stomach to clench alongside her heart, and the urge to toss the little food in her stomach overwhelmed her. Ha Ni rushed over to a bush at the edge of a building, and proceeded to puke up what remained in her stomach. All this worrying and being pregnant only caused the morning sickness to worsen. Ha Ni panted, wiping the corner of her mouth and grimaced at the slight burn left over by the bile lining her throat. This was going to be something she really wasn't going to enjoy about her pregnancy, who ever did? Ha Ni continued to walk, trying to distract her thoughts of all the things she said and all the stress of the thoughts drifting about inside her head. Instead, Ha Ni wandered into a nearby park, and perched on a bench she found under a large tree. The thoughts were pushed aside as she watched the people go by, all their different faces and feelings put out for all to see.

A man strolled by his face plastered into a mask of indifference, Ha Ni chuckled quietly, her thoughts drifting to how much this man reminded her of Seung Jo. How he always showed nothing to everyone, but she could read his face like an open book. This man was so much like him, his dark grey suit buttoned up even on a day that was so warm he had to be sweating. Yet, his face never revealed any sort of weakness. Not long after the man walked out of Ha Ni's vision, a young woman pushed a baby carriage into view. How odd it was that the pair were so close and yet lived in two different worlds? Ha Ni studied the woman carefully, trying to understand and see what her life would look like once she could hold and care for her little one. Unconsciously, Ha Ni placed a hand on her stomach, caressing the non-existent bump. The woman didn't seem to be paying any attention to what was happening around her. Her world was solely focused on the little cooing being before her. Ha Ni caught a glimpse of the little baby as the woman passed by. A small pink bundle lay in the seat, dark hair and dark lashes that splayed across the creamy pink skin. The hood of carriage shaded the little baby, and a small toy dangled from the handle, the little hands and fingers reaching up to grasp at it, playfully curious about it. Ha Ni sighed, rubbing her belly thinking about what her baby would look like. Would it have her soft face or Seung Jo's strong features? Would their baby's smile be as bright and wide as hers or tight lipped and soft like Seung Jo's? What would they look like? Ha Ni sighed again, and leaned back against the bench staring up into the sky hoping to find another distraction to wipe away the pain the thought of Seung Jo always seemed to bring to her.

The sky was beginning to darken overhead, and Ha Ni had forgotten her umbrella, not expecting it to rain, at home. She picked herself up again, and quickly made her way over to the mall at the other end of the park. She didn't want to go home yet, back to the walls full of Seung Jo, of a life that only felt more like a lie than it had ever before. Inside the mall, the lights brightened up more as the storm clouds rolled in overhead. Ha Ni decided to stay at least until she could walk outside without getting too wet. People milled about inside the mall, and Ha Ni just blended into the crowd and peered into the windows as she went along. As she rounded a corner, Ha Ni noticed a window a few shops down. She walked inside as soon as she got close. The soft colors made her calmer, and she couldn't help but feel the rush and flutter of excitement fill her. That feeling had not been with her in a very long time. She walked down the rows, looking at all the tiny clothes and small pastel colored animals. The small pictures of chubby babies lining all the toys and boxes in the store. Then she caught sight of something at the back of the store. Ha Ni stepped closer and peered down inside, picturing the small form that would lay inside as she hummed a soft lullaby. The crib was made of wood, and painted a soft yellow color. The bars were smooth and curved softly in toward the bed, a small cocoon for a tiny creature of beauty. Beside the crib, sat a wooden rocking chair the coloring contrasting with it's dark wood against the cribs soft yellow. Yet when Ha Ni sat down and peered through the bars watching her imagined baby slumber it all felt so real and so right. She could feel the swell of happiness and joy fill her to the brim, and when she was about to burst with happiness tears welled up in her eyes again. She sat back trying to hold the tears in, she didn't need to worry anyone in the store. Ha Ni knew the first thing she had to do when she got home was to tell Seung Jo. She had to, nothing else mattered, not how she felt, not the fact that just the thought of Seung Jo sent her into the deepest darkest part of her mind that she was so afraid of. This little ray of sunshine and hope was the one thing she knew was good, and Seung Jo did have a right to know about his own baby.

Ha Ni sat for several more moments, thinking over how she would tell Seung Jo about their baby. She had to steal herself for his mocking and ridicule that could come since he probably wouldn't believe her at first. Ha Ni's stomach growled bringing her out of her thoughts, she hadn't eaten since this morning, and the little baby was going to need nourishment soon. Ha Ni wandered into the food court to get something that would keep her till she got home for dinner.

By the time she had gotten food, and made her way back to the bus stop she had seen on her way to the mall, the sky had darkened. Ha Ni waited for the bus her thoughts constantly on the topic she would be broaching with her husband soon enough. Would he really be angry with her? Probably, she thought. The lights of the bus swiped over her as it pulled to a stop, she stepped on just as the rain started to pour again. A wonderful day turned into such a miserable night.

The bus came to a stop at the bottom of the road leading to the Baek-Oh household. The rain had yet to let up, but Ha Ni couldn't wait out the storm. Omma would be getting worried if she was to arrive any later, and she hadn't answered her phone all day so there were probably several texts and calls from Omma. Seung Jo wouldn't have even bothered to do anything even if she didn't come home that night. He wouldn't have cared for her, worried if she were hurt or possibly dead. None of that. Ha Ni made her way up the road, the rain soaking into her clothes as she went along. Without a coat or an umbrella the rain was soaking her through to the bone. She was starting to shiver when she finally reached the end of the drive of the house. Even with the rain pouring down on her, Ha Ni was afraid to step inside the house. She was afraid to face him. Though even with all that fear and sadness, Ha Ni was not one to back down, she would say what needed to be said. She walked up the stairs removing her shoes in the mudroom and unlocked the door to step inside. Instantly she could smell the warm cooked food that Omma had prepared, and felt her body begin to heat up from the chill. She pulled the strap of her bag off her shoulder and set it down on the bench next to the stairs.

"Ha Ni-ah? Is that you?" Omma's voice called from the kitchen.

"De Omma. I'm home."

"Welcome back..." Omma shuffled into the hall, and gasped at the sight before her. Ha Ni was soaked, he dress dripping around her now bare feet.

"I'm sorry about the water I'll clean it up once I'm dry." Ha Ni tried to push past Omma to get up stairs and take a long warm shower.

"No, Ha Ni, don't worry about it! Go get warm first, when you're done come down for dinner." Omma cupped the side of Ha Ni's face and rubbed her thumb against her cheek affectionately as she snipped at the girl. Ha Ni quickly raced up the stairs, hoping that Seung Jo wouldn't be in their room, he had been sleeping on the couch since last night, but since Ha Ni was out all day he had the room to himself. Biting her lip, Ha Ni turned the handle and walked into their bedroom quickly. To her surprise, Seung Jo sat on the bed, the same book he had been reading that morning still held tightly under his gaze. That was until the door closed behind Ha Ni.

"Finally decided to come ho..." Seung Jo's eyes widened at the sight of his wife. She shivered before dashing to the closet to pull out a change of clothes and some new underwear.

"Where have you been?" Seung Jo's voice was soft but held a tone of anger in it. Still Ha Ni gathered her things quickly and went to leave. "You aren't going to say anything."

"Its not like you would actually care, but I'll tell you later tonight."

"Oh, so I'm allowed back in the room?" This anger had come out of no where, he wasn't really mad at her, but more mad at the fact that his wife was hiding things from him, ignoring him, and also he was just plain worried because of the state she was showing up home in.

"I'll talk to you about this later." Ha Ni held tight to the door handle and pulled it open to exit the room as fast as possible.

"Damn it!" Seung Jo threw his book across the room then lay his head in his hands cursing himself for speaking in such a way to Ha Ni. He was only worried about her, but he didn't really know how to express worry. When he was with Ha Ni, he only ever seemed to be angry with her more than anything else. What was she going to tell him? What didn't he know?


	6. Let's Start Over

Chapter 6

 _What is it that I've done?_ Seung Jo sat on the bed his face sunken into his hands as he tried to run through all the things he had done that day, what had he done that had caused this. What had he said? Seung Jo listened breathing slowly as the shower turned on in the next room. The soft patter of the water against the tiles was the only thing that reminded him that she was there. What had he done? She seemed angrier, more removed from him than he had ever seen her before. Yet the way he did things, dealt with her all remained as they usually did. So what had brought on this change in her mood? Seung Jo puzzled over and over in his head trying to come up with a reason for his wife's strange behavior and attitude toward him.

While in the shower, Ha Ni quietly sobbed, the pain of being near to Seung Jo pushing at her ribs to make them break. She slid to the bottom of the shower sitting beneath the spray, holding back each sob from erupting loudly. How was she going to tell him anything? He was already angry with her. What more could she have done? Nothing had happened recently that would have made him mad. Seung Jo wasn't so cruel as to be mad at her because she had that panic attack. Of course he couldn't be since he didn't even know about it yet. Rationality was winning out, but not for very long as another thought struck her. If he was mad at her for some thing that could be so trivial, what would he do when she told him about the baby. What would happen to her? Each sob shook her whole body as she tried to swallow each sob so no one would actually hear them outside of those tiled walls.

Seung Jo had begun to pace, hoping to figure out what was going on, and what Ha Ni wanted to tell him. She had been so quiet for the past few days that it must be something serious. Perhaps even bad. Could she be dying? The horrible thought overtook him, and his body shuddered at the thought of losing Ha Ni. She was his entire world, the light that made his day better, and the thought of hurting her let alone watching her die made his entire being shudder in pain. He couldn't lose her, she made the world make sense. For almost his entire life, he never understood things the most other people did. At least not until he met Ha Ni. Seung Jo thought back to all those times studying in her room.

 _Seung Jo and Ha Ni sat at a small table in the center of her room. Their heads inching closer and closer together as Seung Jo explained a problem for yet another time. Ha Ni was still not able to understand what he was talking about in the slightest. Yet her eyes wandered around the page each time Seung Jo's fingers danced from each cryptic set of problems that only looked like hieroglyphics to Ha Ni. The only reason she kept trying was because she wanted to prove not only to Seung Jo, but to herself that she was better than people said. She was better than all the people who ever doubted her. 'Fighting!' Ha Ni thought clenching her fists against her thigh. Seung Jo sighed and sat back staring at Ha Ni in annoyance._

 _"Are you understanding anything that I'm saying? Babo! Are you even paying attention?" Seung Jo rubbed at his cheek in frustration._

 _"I am paying attention! And don't call me babo! I'm trying, I really am but I just don't get what you're talking about."_

 _"Babo! Of course you don't, you aren't smart."_

 _"You don't think I know I'm not smart, at least not like you. But I'm trying!" Ha Ni huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. Seung Jo took that as a challenge, as always._

 _"Oh really?" Seung Jo leaned into the table, inching closer with each word he spoke, "What is your version of trying? Staring off into the distance like an idiot? Or perhaps wasting my time here when I could be studying for my own things."_

 _"Studying? What studying do you ever do? You're a genius who knows everything, apparently more than you seem to let on. Also, don't call me an idiot! I all ready told you to stop! I'm paying attention to what you're saying but I can't seem to remember it all, there is so much information that just doesn't make any sense to me." As Ha Ni's rant came to an end, she looked up at Seung Jo and was surprised to find him mere inches from her face._

 _"Seung Jo..." Her voice came out as a mere whisper, though there had been a very heated discussion just moments before the heat had suddenly traveled somewhere else. Ha Ni felt her face heat up to a warm burn that settled in her face._

 _"Oh...Ha...Ni." The words dripped out of Seung Jo's mouth as he whispered her voice back at her. Ha Ni could tell that just from the look on his face that he was going to tease her. She could only imagine her face was bright red at this point. She continued to stare back at him trying, and failing, to make him back off so she could continue._

 _"You don't look so good. Perhaps we should stop. It's not like you are getting anything. How could I ever believe an idiot like you could learn anything?" Seung Jo smirked staring down at her, his gaze dipping for a moment to her lips that had parted as she tried to take in more air. The room felt so stuffy all around her, and the blush gracing her face wasn't going down._

 _"Yah! Seung Jo, don't call me an idiot. I'm trying, I really am!" Though she thought her voice had come out quite loud, even she could tell that it only was heard as a soft murmur. Seung Jo smirked again, and her eyes fell onto his lips gazing longingly at them._

 _"Seung Jo..." Her eyes flickered up to his for a moment, and she found him gazing at her lips again, before quickly returning to her own eyes. His were blow wide, and he swiped his lips with his tongue. Ha Ni could feel herself mimicking the action unintentionally._

 _"Oh...Ha...Ni..." He said each part of her name as he inched closer, their breath mingling, as they got closer. Ha Ni could feel the ghost of Seung Jo's lips upon hers, they were so close, so very close._

 _The door knob jiggled, and the two sprung apart Ha Ni trying to hide her blushing face as Omma stepped in with a tray of snacks._

 _"You both have been working so hard, I thought you both deserved a snack." She placed the tray on a table away from their work. Ha Ni took in a deep breath, before turning around to excitedly thank Omma. Seung Jo on the other hand, only smirked at Ha Ni, his face angled away so that his mother couldn't see. She would never leave him alone if she knew what was happening in his head._

Seung Jo signed, staring at the space where Ha Ni's table had once been. It was replaced long ago with another similar table, he was never sure why they couldn't just keep the other one. There were plenty of good memories for him. He smirked, before sinking his face into his hands. What was he doing? He loved the excited ball of energy that was Ha Ni, and yet he teased her so much that she was starting to lose faith in him. Or perhaps she has really changed? That couldn't be true! He wouldn't let it be, she was woman he fell in love with, the one who was so happy and excited to encourage others when they're down. The fearless girl who made it into nursing school, and so far. She was the incredibly fearless woman who hated him. It sunk in further. She hated him that had to be it. He was going to lose the one beautiful ray of hope that made his world make sense. Seung Jo grabbed his hair running his fingers through it roughly. He couldn't lose her, not when he loved her so much. But why? Why was she acting like this? Why would she leave him? He hadn't been any meaner than usual to her. He had only been teasing her like he always did. But something was happening to her that he didn't understand.

But he sure as hell was going to find out.

The water was still running and Ha Ni couldn't seem to make herself get out. She knew that she needed to talk with Seung Jo, tell him what was going on. He would notice eventually, but it wasn't going to change him would it? It wasn't going to make him care about her more. Just the baby. And what if he was mad? Would he even want this baby? Would he want to have it with her? Those thoughts swam in her mind as she placed her hand on her stomach for what felt like the millionth time. There was a little person growing inside her, that thought scared her, but deep down there was still a little spark of warmth that filled her so much that it gave her a little courage. Her other hand grasped the handle and turned off the shower. It was now or never. She had to tell him. He did have aright to know. Even if he didn't want it, or her, Seung Jo had the right to know about the little being inside her.

Ha Ni wiped the water from her skin, carefully wiping at her stomach. She knew it wouldn't hurt the baby, but if felt like the right thing to do. Her little baby, they were her little baby and always would be no matter the out come of her conversation with Seung Jo. Ha Ni pulled on some underwear and shorts with a baggy T-shirt to sleep in before wrapping her hair up in the towel.

Now or never.

 _Now or never._ She thought.

Ha Ni walked into the room she shared with Seung Jo, and stopped in her tracks. The sight that greeted her felt odd. Seung Jo sat on the edge of the bed, his hands cradling his face. She couldn't hear any sounds coming from him, but something was really wrong. She loved him, more than he would ever realize, and she wouldn't see him in pain for anything.

"Seung Jo," Ha Ni knelt beside him, her hands pulling gently at his wrists so that he would look at her. The look of pain that met her gaze startled her. "What happened? Is someone hurt? Are you hurt?" Ha Ni ran her fingers gently over his arms, chest, and then his face her eyes dancing all over to find any sign of injury on him. When she couldn't find anything, she only grew more confused.

"Seung Jo, what's wrong?" Seung Jo only seemed to stare at her, his gaze pained, but his lips gave way to a trembling smile.

"Ha Ni, nothing is wrong with me. I need to know, right now, what is happening with you? You haven't been yourself lately." Seung Jo grasped her hands pulling her up to sit beside him on the bed. Ha Ni's gaze flew to the floor as she sat beside him.

"I'm sorry." She said in a small voice, pulling her hands from his grasp to wrap around her small frame. To Seung Jo, she looked even more fragile than usual. Something was wrong with his fearless love. Thoughts ran through his mind faster than he could comprehend. _'Someone's dying.'_

 _'Ha Ni is dying.'_

 _'Ha Ni will leave me.'_

 _'Ha Ni doesn't love me.'_

 _'Ha Ni is going to leave me.'_

Many of the thoughts repeated over and over in his mind, causing his heart to speed up rapidly. Ha Ni had yet to say anything, she just sat staring at the ground cradling herself.

"Why are you sorry?"

"I didn't know."

"Didn't know what?"

"I-I-I'm so sorry." Tears started spilling down her cheeks, and Ha Ni just let them. This moment hurt more than any other thoughts she had had before. She was so afraid, and so hopeful at the same time that it felt like she was going to burst. _Tell him._ The voice in her mind kept echoing. She sucked in a breath.

"Seung Jo there is something really important I need to tell you. Don't be mad at me, I didn't know I swear." Seung Jo's heart sped up faster, what could she possibly need to tell him? What could cause her to be so upset, and so afraid of him?

"Seung Jo. I'm...I'm...I'm...pregnant." Seung Jo's heart stopped. For a moment he could feel the world start to spin again. Ha Ni wasn't dying, she wasn't leaving him. She was having a baby. A baby.

"Really?" He asked cautiously. She looked like she would bolt any second. Ha Ni nodded, and unconsciously cradled her still flat stomach again.

"I'm about 4 weeks along." Her eyes seemed to be searching his, she wanted to see what he was feeling. Ha Ni wanted to understand the thoughts going on in his mind. She was still terrified. What was he thinking? Did he want her and the baby?

"Baek Ha Ni, you're pregnant. You're pregnant! With our baby. This isn't a joke?"

"Are you happy?" She asked timidly.

"Am I happy?" She nodded. "I'm ecstatic. I don't think I can have words that will form how I feel at this moment." Seung Jo knelt down in front of Ha Ni, moving her hands away from her stomach before placing his own over it. He wished he could see their baby. He couldn't wait to meet them. He gazed up at Ha Ni, a smile so beautiful split his face in two. Ha Ni sat in shock, her eyes not believing the sight before her. Tears welled up again in her eyes, and as Seung Jo gazed at her, the overwhelming feeling to sob overtook her. Her whole body shook and she couldn't stop the sobs that escaped her lips. Seung Jo jumped up at the first sight of tears.

"Ha Ni, what's wrong? Aren't you happy?"

"Seung Jo, I thought that you would be mad at me. That you wouldn't want the baby. That you wouldn't want me."

"What are you talking about?" He grasped her face in his hands staring at her trying to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Her beautiful brown eyes watch him through a watery gaze.

"I thought you would be mad at me, because of the last time I thought I was pregnant."

"Did you go to the doctors this time? You know for sure don't you?"

"Well yes, about a week ago I collapsed at the hospital. Well that was after the doctor told me I was pregnant. I promised that I would take care of myself for the baby's sake. Its my responsibility to help them live and grow."

"Ha Ni, I'm so happy I don't know how to express it."

"I can see."

"There is something else I want to ask." Ha Ni nodded, "What do you mean by 'that I wouldn't want you'?"

"You've stopped loving me. I can tell. I'm sorry I'm such a burden on you. I mess everything up. I can do nothing right, you deserve someone better." Ha Ni tried to pull her face away from Seung Jo's grasp, but had no luck as he held her in place. He gazed at her, before placing a forceful yet soft kiss upon her lips. He placed small soft kisses all over her face.

"Ha Ni, I have always loved you. More than I actually understand. You're beautiful, I love to watch you wake up each morning next to me. I love that you're having my baby. The fact that you're here with me is amazing, because I don't deserve you. I make me a better person each day. And for the last few days I've been so sick and worried that you were going to leave me. That you were sick. I don't think I could live without you." Seung Jo placed a kiss to her forehead, before pulling her to him. He rested his chin on her head. "Never think that I don't love you. Please never do that." Ha Ni sobbed harder into his chest.

"Seung Jo, I've been so afraid for so long that you didn't love me. You don't say it very often, and you always seem to be annoyed with me. I just thought that I was a bother to you. I thought that if I were gone no one would miss me. I was such a pain and a bother to you. I...I...I..." Seung Jo hugged her tighter. The feeling in his chest tightening as she mentioned her thoughts of being gone, that no one would miss her.

"Ha Ni, never leave me. Please, never leave me. Also never think those things again. I think I would go crazy not knowing where you were. And don't think of dying, I want you here with our baby. I want you here with me. I want you here to wake up each day, and I promise I will make sure you know I love you. Everyday. You and our little baby will know. I'm sorry I let you feel this way for so long. I should be the one apologizing. I'm so very sorry I did this to you. I love you." Seung Jo pressed kisses to her face, then pulled her on to the bed with him. They snuggled, Seung Jo refusing to let Ha Ni go. Her wet hair splayed out around her shoulders, as she rested her head on Seung Jo's shoulder, her head nestled in the crook of his neck. Seung Jo grasped her waist with one hand, pressing into her side like his life depended on her being right there. His other hand traced patterns on the back of her hand that lay on his chest. They stayed like that for the rest of the night. The two of them just listening to the other breath, and live. Seung Jo wanted Ha Ni to know that he was there for me. Ha Ni wanted to know the feeling of solid ground beneath her fingertips again. Seung Jo stood up once to turn off the lights, and pull the blankets up around them. They both returned to the place they had left off at. The night was quiet, and soothing. Just the two. Seung Jo and Ha Ni.


End file.
